Frustration

I am frustrated at the factthat I put myself back in this world of pain. But I just had this tjought in the back of my mind. It's just crazy how a complete stranger can affect your mentality. And how much a complete stranger can easily manipulate you into getting a piece off ass. As derigatory as it seems, it happened. And the one person I truly surrendered my heart to is shattered once again. I have this mental memory distilled in my brain now and it just won't go away.


Why am I still holding on?! Because a piece of me is strong, and can overcome any obstacle that's put forward in life, but a small percentage of me has doubt. That this might happen once more, and if that sitution were to arise again, this would be the last and final chance I will give her. With that said, I have this invisible force field that will only let you go so far. I have another one located by my heart because I'm afraid that if this happens again, that it will definitely damage my functionalities. Pain is love. Why do people conform to this metaphor? I once did and now all i see from pain is pain and not love. My mind is clouded by a mixture of this mental memory, past memories, hatred, unforgiveness, and being upset.


I'll give one more shot of love, and this doesn't work out, then I'll throw in the towel, wave the white flag, tip over my king in chess. I feel that she's holding me back from doing ecerything I want to do and accomplish in life. I was doing so well in school, then I had to go out ad find this girl, and now school is fucked!! I stop attending most classes, drama created most of the missed classes, and if I did attend class, I wouldn't be able to concentrate because of yhe drama. Sometimes, things are unacoidable and you just have to face them head on. I don't back down from anything. Who cares what people think about you, all that matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin.


This winter break gives me some much needed time away from school. I'm planning this master plan. I want to leave this city without letting anyone know where I'm going or where to contact me. Just some time to travel around the globe and hopefully finding a ray of light outnof it. I would miss everything I left behind, but it'll start off a new chapter of my life. I'm down with my share of fucking around. I'm getting down with the nitty gritty to get what a rightfully deserve. I want everything, except a significant other. M.O.B. man. That's my mindset. But dont get me wrong, I love women. I need to put myself out there because my shyness is not getting me around anywhere in life. Fuck this array of bullshit that was placed upon me. Fuck fuck fuck!! I'm mad at the world...I'm kidding, I'm mad at myself.


Save me Lord.